Sunday, 8 January 2012

Words


So my work has finally started - just under a week over the date I said I would get cracking on it. Oops!

my workload...
This time next week I'll be at Uni surrounded by reminders to WORK WORK WORK!! I can't wait. A lot of my friends have gone back already; this time we're skipping the emotional goodbyes. We've done a term - we can do another. Skype is a very very good thing. Its weird how I expected everyone to have changed beyond recognition but being back, after the initial few days, I've noticed everyone become who they were again. I wonder whether, when I'm back at Uni, I'm going to have to redo all my good work in making myself a better person (I swear I managed to do that!!).

Today (500) Days of Summer is on. Love it! My favourite film probably ever - not just because of my massive crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt - but because its such an interesting film with a lovely cynical perspective on love. (I love cynical perspectives on a topic like 'love'... It makes me feel like I'm not the only grinch in the world and that eventually my Autumn will come...).

I've been having quite a few 'emotional chats' recently. Trying to build bridges and stuff like that. I've worked out that actions do actually speak louder than words. Many times people have said to me 'Sara, you're my best friend' or 'Sara, you're the most important person to me right now' or even 'Sara, I love you' but these words lay empty, unfulfilled.

Instead I find that the person who claims to 'love' me will put anyone else, and when I say anyone, I literally mean anyone, before me. As I've once said before, I'm the 'listener'. No one, except for one person, maybe a few more to a lesser extent, ask me how I am. Only one of these people actually waits to hear my reply. Therefore, of course I'm going to reach the conclusion that only one person actually cares. Rightly so, this one person is my Best Friend. (Capital B and F). 

It hurts more because I know that I will always put these people at the forefront of my life... They will take priority over anything because I value friendship seemingly a lot more than they do.

Of course, when I use the word they, I'm talking about one person. Don't think that I'm a friendless cynic. (Although I may be... I hope not though).

Seeing is believing. They say they'll change but they'll always put others before me and they can't help it. I'm going to find it difficult to find a husband ever, (yeah I'm at that horrible age when its no longer merely 'boyfriend/girlfriend' chat; we must look to the future because its catching up on us pretty fast and we must think about the dreaded 'future husband') ... For me a relationship requires friendship.


It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
                                                                                                              - Friedrich Nietzsche


Without friendship, that relationship is dead. I've always needed someone (do they call it a soul-mate? I don't think I've found that mate of my soul yet...) who I can rely upon completely and tell everything to and it just hurts so much more when I find out that other people have been telling everything to him but he doesn't even want to listen to it from me... It's ok, one day I'll find it. I have to, right? Fate steps in at some point doesn't it?!?!? I certainly need it.


Love x

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