Wednesday, 25 April 2012

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
         My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
         One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
         But being too happy in thine happiness,—
                That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees
                        In some melodious plot
         Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,
                Singest of summer in full-throated ease.

John Keats, Ode to a Nightingale

So today I'm not in the best of moods; I woke up early, after a good few days of no sleep, and early rising, so I'm severely sleep deprived, and even trying to nap, I CAN'T! I had a gloriously disgusting exam this morning, and the weather is terrible. Of course I'm in a bad mood. And today it just feels as though the world is against me. Today I've worked out who my friends are, the ones who can tell I'm having a bad day, even if they're miles and miles away from me, and they ring me up and don't hang up until I'm sufficiently cheered up and when I return to my formerly glum self, they ring again. 

I was bound to have a down day; everything has been so hectic up until now and I've loved every second of being back, I'm run down, emotionally, mentally, physically. My friends here, and I do not use the word 'friends' lightly anymore, have actually cheered me up massively. Watched Amelie with one of them, before I decided to leave to do some work, and had an amazing chat with another. I love the people who don't need to talk to me about why my day has been bad, or downright abysmal in my case, and instead know that I need my mind put on other things. My best friend cheered me up with one hug, and that was all I needed. He joked around, listened to me moan for 2 minutes and solved all my problems in 30 seconds but I'm gone now and I'm alone again, shattered, but unable to sleep. 

So I decided, what did Sara do in the good ol' days when she was feeling down. And I read. And I wrote. So I'm writing. And soon I will be reading. This term, I've decided to put my work first... I know I said it about last term as well, but I can't be happy with myself unless I'm doing things right with my work. My DOS told me I can fly today. But he's still waiting for me to do so; I'm going to take the opportunity and do so. I've forgotten about doing the things I love since I've been here; I've been too busy trying to keep everyone happy all the time I forgot to make myself happy. I now know the people who make me happy here and who will always make me happy. I don't need 'good weather' friends. Friends who are there when the going is good, but when the going gets tough... They're nowhere to be seen. 

I've arranged to go to London on Saturday to meet my best friend, who goes to Uni in Birmingham. I've had enough of people saying we'll see each other, but never getting round to doing it. So we're doing it. We're going to forget Uni, forget people, forget work, and just have a good day, be it rain or shine. 

I thought the first stanza of Keats' Ode to a Nightingale perfectly summed up my mood... Except I'm not too happy in thine happiness I'm just missing home, missing home-cooked food, missing my friends and wishing people here weren't so snidey and thoughtless with their words. As an English student, words mean a lot to me... Actions more so, but words more so than to most people. This is why I've babbled on for so long. 

I know the people who care - the people who care are the ones who held me when I needed to be held, listened to me when I needed to talk, and spoke to me when I needed to hear their voice. Everyone else, I can place as second because I've always tried to please everyone and now I realise that task is an impossible one. 

love x

1 comment:

  1. Very heartfelt. It's good you express yourself. Nothing else matters w/o self happiness. You will learn that in this place call life, you can not & will not please everyone. Take your Destiny as it is set for you to be fulfilled. Right now you are exploring your Journey for bigger and better things. Stay focused, eliminate the weakness & focus on the positive.

    Janita ;-)